The Move – Restarting The Clock

“He Who Wants The World To Remain As It Is Doesn’t Want It To Remain At All.” Berlin, 2011

Leaving Philadelphia was difficult. I remember lying on my bed one glorious summer afternoon, crying forlornly. Leaving was an emotional upheaval – I found the thought of being separated from my American friends of 12 months more upsetting than when I left my well-established UK social circles behind. Why? Precariousness I guess. Those American social circles were just starting to mature: if I said goodbye to them now there was no guarantee they’d survive the trans-Atlantic rift.

Also, when I left the UK in July 2009 I knew I’d be back on British soil after exactly 1 year. There was no such certainty when I left the States.

Thankfully, an annual holiday of a fortnight during the summer was enough to maintain my connections in America. I loved the feeling of wandering through the city, believing for just a few precious days that it was as if I’d never left.

In January 2012 I was thinking desperately about Philadelphia, waiting for my grad school admissions results to come back in. It was more than just a ‘Yes’ answer I was after – with a PhD offer came the promise of continuity. Professionally, I wasn’t going to be stuck in internship after internship for the next 5 years; in a personal context I could return to the Eastern Seaboard and try to re-start what I left behind in September 2010.

Yet now we’re at July 2013 and I’m thinking critically about my “stopped clock” belief for the first time. Nearly 3 years have passed since I was in Philly, it isn’t realistic for me to assume that I can restart relationships and life from where I left off. I will be based 90 minutes up the train tracks from Philadelphia, the full-time demands of graduate study means that I can’t simply nip down there in the evenings. It’s going to be weekend trips.

Do I even want to turn the clock all the way back to September 2010? A lot has altered in those 3 years. I’ve gained more worldly experience. Navigating a truly “foreign” country and wrestling with “foreign language issues” was an eye-opener, with moments of run-round-in-circles-screeching elation and moments of slam-your-fist-into-the-brick-wall-then-cry-alone-in-the-toilets anguish. Going through a second PhD application cycle taught me (a) I was nothing special in a vast pool overflowing with talented individuals (another cry-alone-in-the-toilets type lesson) (b) despite that I possessed the skills to make the second attempt a success.

It does hurt me to think of Philadelphia life and its people moving on without me. Though at the same time the friendships that mattered not only have lasted but I reckon have strengthened. The people I’ve grown closer to over the 3-year interim period are not always the ones I predicted – which should teach me not to make too many over-optimistic assumptions…

I’ve made the decision to leave a month after I arrive in the USA before I venture into Philadelphia for a proper visit. My first paycheque isn’t going to arrive until then (I don’t want to burn off all my dollars on a regional rail ticket). Although more crucially, I think my first priority should be to settle into life in New Jersey, rather than pretend I’m merely living in a particularly far-out Philadelphian suburb.

It’s a shame I can’t come back to Philadelphia itself, but I know that in this case the decision to emphasise professional standing outweighed personal preferences.

Besides, where genuine friendship is concerned? Those clocks never stop.

My 2012 did not go According To Plan

My 2012 did not go According To Plan. In fact, it is fair to say that if 2012 looked at The Plan I had written for it, it was only to sneer at my words and contemptuously toss the sheet of paper into the bin.

I applied to graduate programs…then I didn’t get accepted into a single one.

I *did* have a back-up plan up my sleeve…but it wasn’t the one I thought I had. 

I came back from abroad…and found a city in my native country that was more exotic, exciting and alluring than the foreign one I’d left.

I bombed an interview that should have been straightforward…then kicked ass at a series of visits I never thought I could pull off.

***

At the start of 2012 I must have thought that my PhD applications were water-tight. I had chalked up a lot of research experience and completed my undergraduate degree at one of the best universities in the UK. I knew the career path I wanted to pursue and clearly saw a PhD as the way to get what I wanted. In late 2011 I had formalised my decision to apply to some of the best universities the US (and ergo, the world) had to offer. All I had to do in early 2012 was wait for the offers of acceptance: I told my friends and colleagues that of course I didn’t expect all of my choices to make me an offer.

The rejection letters trickled back. Some were swift to reach me, others strung me along on a bitter chain of hope for several unhappy months. My research experience wasn’t enough. My academic background wasn’t enough. Me – the scientist – was not enough.

That was a shock to the system.

When I eventually realised I’d got nothing but rejections from the USA, my first instinct was to push on with Europe and get something sorted for Autumn 2012. It wasn’t long before I realised I was being held back for the same reasons I got rejected from the US schools: as a person I wasn’t well-known, my scientific credentials did not stand out. I refused to admit defeat and so kept pushing.

In May got invited at an interview at one of the top continental European universities. It would be a half day spent meeting the prospective supervisor and his research group then giving them a scientific presentation. I bought a new suit (costing ~ 200€) and drew up a PowerPoint.

I knew things were going badly when – barely 2 minutes after stepping into his office – the professor wasn’t making eye contact as he spoke to me. As told me that I was the last of 6 candidates interviewed, a warning light flashed: “He’s already made his mind up.” 

There must have been an inflection in his tone. It’s not something you want to pick up on with 4 hours of “interview” remaining. I can’t begrudge the professor. On my part I failed to adequately prep for the presentation (I presented reactions where I was unable to explain the mechanism, and got caught out) and silently sat through a lot of group members talking about their work that day instead of asking them questions.

Despite suspecting the worst, his swift rejection email was painful and upsetting; it was fair to say that I was a mess for several days afterwards. Re-reading my diary account of the interview and fall-out many months later and I still feel the raw, hot emotions radiating off the paper. The email arrived late in the day, just before a major public holiday weekend. I kept myself together just long enough to finish up my laboratory work, then started to fracture as I informed my supervisor about the message. I remember rushing home as hastily as I could, to try and stop myself breaking down into pieces in the middle of Kleinbasel.

I knew the most important point of 2012 had been reached, because there was only one thing going through my mind as I hurried back to my room. There were no unanswerable questions – no ‘Why Me’ or ‘What Shall I Do’ – only a statement firing around my head again and again.

…This has *got* to stop.

The sensation of being broken by that rejection forced me to stop applying for 2012 admission to graduate programs. The stress and pressure had turned me into a person I did not want to be. I could see for myself that strict adherence to The Plan had caused a lot of damage.  I felt so much happier once I lifted an impossible expectation from myself, it was incredible.

By the time I was over in the USA for my summer holidays I was meeting some Very Big Names in my field…and was asking a helluva lot of questions. I had to start from the expectation that I was nothing special in their eyes and work hard to convince them of the opposite. If I hadn’t suffered those rejections in early 2012 I don’t think I would be the inquisitive scientist I am come 2013. I wouldn’t have the burning motivation to do well that I have now. The complacency has mostly been shaken off, I’m very grateful for that.

***

It would have been convenient if things had gone according to The Plan: but that’s all. I’ve learnt that convenience does not necessarily make The Plan a good one. Maybe if I had rushed into a PhD program this year I would have made a miserable choice and had to quit 3 years in. What looks like the shortest, simplest route from my current perspective may be deceptive.

Perhaps 2013 will bring more system shocks and f*ck-ups. Maybe it will bring some easy successes. A mixture of both would be best for me though, I think.

Stay tuned…

2011 in 12 Sentences (& 12 Photos)

March. PICTURE OF THE YEAR (because it always makes me smile)

Taking a leaf out of another bloggers’ (metaphorical/electronic) book, I thought I would go ahead and summarise my entire year in 12 sentences – one per month. Having spent several days over Christmas reading National Geographics, I feel suitably inspired to add in 12 photos as well (not necessarily month-wise).

January. It’s a new year and that of course means new dancing: salsa nights, a swing residential and Egyptian bellydance…and my final semester at university, I guess.

February. Getting my arse royally kicked by that damn Masters Research Project, while dithering hopelessly about whether to compete in a DanceSport competition or not (I said Yes, by the way) and bonding with the chemists.

March. Attempting to balance up the big DanceSport comp with my f***ing c*** of a Masters Research Project – which even I admit was a stupid, stressful and time-consuming thing to do – yet I pull it off and know I did the right thing(s).

April. Thanks to the deep-seated fear that my final degree mark is sitting between the wrong classification brackets, I barricade myself away from the real world for a frentic, isolated month of Easter-break revision.

May. Still trapped in a Revision Ivory Tower I face my revision and final exams while my world shakes and threatens to fall away from under my feet…so I go to another dance competition.

June. An utterly blissful, easy-going summer month featuring my beloved Philadelphia, lazy mornings in Edinburgh coffee shops and of course Graduation.

July. Sadly, it feels like my time in Edinburgh is very much up…so I pack my bags and head over to begin the next stage of my life in Basel, Switzerland.

August. The slow and painstaking process of fitting in at work and earning the respect and trust of my colleagues.

September. Language barriers rear their ugly heads, but when I take a swim in the Rhein I realise how much of a home Basel is becoming to me.

October. Frustration at the never-ending Grad School Application process – and the slowess of settling in to Switzerland – cause my behaviour to shift erratically, leaving me feeling trapped.

November. I have a truly wonderful trip back to Edinburgh, but I realise that Basel is my home now (where I’m back in the running game, visiting art galleries, attending German classes and starting to form the circle of friends that I want).

December. Despite the Eternal PhD Stress, it finally feels like Basel is…working, just when I have to go home for the holidays.

March. DanceSport competition in Blackpool (the best I've ever looked)

2011 hasn’t been an EASY year, not by any means… 

March. The Chemistry Ball.

 …I’ve had to cope with my future, which suddenly seems a lot closer and more important than ever before…

June. Philadelphia

…and yeah, occasionally I just messed things up spectacularly (even/especially the simple stuff you’d think wouldn’t be too difficult for a science graduate to manage)…

June. Bellydancing in the park during a heatwave.

…2011 was the year I had to learn how to forgive myself for my mistakes, I guess…

June. Graduation

…Also the year I had to move to a foreign country and re-start my life from scratch…

July. Basel.

…when I already called two wonderful places home already (Philly & Edinburgh)…

July. Summer BBQ with my work Department

…but I learned something important…

August. Dragonboat racing with the Basel Dragons Running Club.

 

 …that F*cking Hell, YOU’VE got to make it worth it…

 

 

October. Zurich

 …even if you screw up badly it’s never the end of the world, there’s always another chance to be had somewhere in this universe…

November. Edinburgh.

 …you just have to be strong, keep the faith and go look for it.

December. Basel Stadtlauf.

 Here’s to the many more difficult, challenging yet worthwhile years ahead. All the best for 2012, guys.

Sprechen Sie Schottisch?

I’ve mused before that I’m not necessarily doing this the easy way. Certainly not the quickest either. But at least I’m doing it.

I’ve given up approx 25% of my cherished weekend time to a German language class run by the Migros Klubschule (Migros is a Swiss supermarket chain with its tentacles in many pies: banking, clothing and the running of professional & personal interest courses). By Swiss standards the course is one of the cheapest around, but I’ve heard it recommended highly by British work colleagues as well as people on the internet expat forums.

The whole ‘9am Saturday Morning Class’ wasn’t necessarily my preferred option. After being on my feet most of the week in the lab, I happen to like the idea of weekend lie-ins. Alternative uses of Saturday mornings include long runs, exploring exotic Europe cities and social events. However, the other schedules I was presented with were (a) 2-3 classes per week (b) classes in the evenings from 6pm onwards (c) classes on weekday mornings.  These options are less than ideal when you’re working a full-time job. Jobs leave you kinda tired in the evening. I don’t really want to be rushing across Basel at midday between work and the Klubschule, either. I might change my approach for the next course I take, but until then…Saturdays are in fact ideal.

I have the typical foreigner phobias about learning another language. What if I say something in German that’s completely unintelligible? What if somebody laughs when I use the wrong word in a sentence? What if somebody asks me something in German and I can’t understand them and it feels really, really awkward? That’s why beginners classes are so appealing – everybody’s starting from scratch and speaking slowly; the instructor just says “Kein Problem” if/when you get an answer wrong. It doesn’t matter if the material covered overlaps with the Night Classes I did in Edinburgh, it’s all reinforcement of knowledge anyway. 

So, Lesson Number One.  The experience was different (and perhaps more helpful in some respects) than the classes I’d taken back in Edinburgh, for several reasons.  Firstly, it was no longer just a group of Edinburgh residents/students thinking about future career opportunities and small-talking with their German friends. Here is a group of people actually in a foreign country, needing proficiency in German to get through the day.  Also significant was the fact that in the classes we’re no longer solely English speakers, though unsurprisingly there were several in the class: people end up in Basel from Africa, Turkey, Francophone Suisse and Asia. Some knew several languages already (Englisch…Italienisch…Spanisch…), others only knew their native tongue.  Back in Edinburgh it was easy to fall into the trap of asking the instructor questions in English, or asking your classmates for assistance in English – here the instructor is talking in German for the whole of the class.

The material we covered was just the basics – introducing yourself, the alphabet and the numbers. It was all material that I’d covered before; it felt just that bit more straightforward this time around. And I was more willing to talk, give answers and think in German. Because of course, here in Basel the need to learn the local language is that bit more immediate. Also, I’m hearing German spoken every day when I’m at work or in town – I should have a clearer idea of the pronunciation & grammar now.

I left the class – having followed nearly all of what the instructor had been saying – feeling a lot more confident in my German understanding and communication. Naturally, it’s going to take more than a few months of German classes before I can claim any level of ‘proficiency’ – but I know what a step in the right direction feels like.

While on this positive note, I’m trying to think about the months ahead and what I need to do. I was reading some insightful articles on the Matador website about language learning: the common themes are immersion, willingness to stick your neck out and be embarrassed once or twice (…per day), clearly defined goals and strong motivation.

Well, I have my goals alright:

• UNDERSTANDING. Be able to follow the conversations of native German speakers.
• SPEECH. Be able to carry out day-to-day tasks in Basel (such as going out for meals or making reservations). Be able to sustain straightforward conversations with work colleagues and friends.
•  FLUENCY. Have a working knowledge of German verbs, adjectives, nouns, etc.  Be able to throw together a comprehensible and grammatically-correct sentence.

The realism of these goals rather depends upon the effort I put in. The best way to get fluent in any foreign language is to start to think in a foreign language. If I’m always running an internal translation engine from English –> German and German –> English, it’ll take me sooooo long to say something that my audience will get bored and wander off.  There can’t be any internal translation engine.

This is why “intensive” language classes yield better results than once-a-week night classes. Firstly, you don’t have time to forget the words and grammatical conventions. Secondly, after a whole week of being talked at (and being forced to reply) in German, your poor brain has no choice but to start thinking in German. And once you’re thinking in German, the process of learning & retaining German happens easier.

Now that I’ve got my undergraduate degree out of the way, I suddenly have a lot more freedom. With freedom comes the opportunity to do homework and devote more hours of my life towards learning the language.

Take numbers. Ein, zwei, drei. Those damn German numbers get everywhere!  Postcodes, phone numbers, bus routes, volume of solvent required to quench a chemical reaction.  Every time I come across a number I should immediately put it into German in my head.  Germans numbers are weird, weird things: where the British say would sixty-three, the Germans say three-and-sixty. Thus when dealing with Germans, you gotta reverse your logic and look for the single digit in places they Just Shouldn’t Be.  I reckon that after a few weeks of automatically translating numericals I’ll be starting to think like a German. Same goes for days of the week and times.

Then before you know it, I’m able to handle Basel’s buses & trams; prices at the supermarket checkout; phone numbers and times. Basic survival in Switzerland suddenly got a whole lot more, well, basic.

Will keep you updated on the progress I make with this one. Any novel tips & tricks you’ve got for learning a foreign language will be much appreciated…

Switzerland To Do list

Am I really more likely to stick with a plan if I post a blog article detailing said plan? I don’t know, but it can’t do any harm, right?

Basel, Switzerland

Alright, so I’m one month into my Year In Europe. I’ve had enough time to settle into the area, deal with the bureaucracy associated with a continental shift, get used to working full-time once more, start meeting people and amass the funds required to do interesting things. It’s now time for me to start looking ahead and planning. After all, I found my time in the USA so fulfilling and worthwhile because I had very strong ideas about what I wanted to get out of my time there.

There are two all-encompassing reasons why I was keen to go to another country for a year:

– To broaden your horizons.

– To consolidate your skills, in a way that is equal to or more effective than if you’d stayed in your home country.

OK, fair dos. In that spirit I now need to set criteria and goals to help me get the most out of my time in Switzerland.

I. Learn German. Ideally to what the Americans classify as “Business Proficiency” (ie, able to have a flowing conversation on a random topic without needing to scrabble around for words or phrases). That might be a tall order – I’m starting from scratch after all – but it’s something I can work at afterwards. If I can’t get discounted classes at Novartis any time soon, then I’ll need to look further afield. The deadline for kicking this off: before month number two.

II. Fully explore Switzerland. So not just tick off the big cities, but get a taste for the countryside and the general Alpine areas. Switzerland is a tiny country compared to America! Geneva, Zurich, Bern, Lausanne and the Alps are barely a couple of hours away by train. I have a half-fare railcard. I have a camera. I have weekends. I have no excuse.

III. Make a good stab at exploring Europe. I am disgustingly poorly-travelled when it comes to Europe. I’ve visited Paris a couple of times with my mother, and a secondary school music trip of mine went around Strasbourg and the Black Forest. THAT’S ABOUT IT. It’s become a more shocking omission given that (a) Following university I met people from all over Europe; my friends have studied in Italy, France, Germany, Belgium as part of their degrees; every summer, several people I know will head off Inter-railing. (b) I’m reasonably well-travelled around the USA and Canada, at least given the time I was over there. (c) Most of Europe is no more than a 5 hour budget flight away from my Scottish base, i.e. Edinburgh. Basel is situated slap-bag in central Europe, and is linked up to both the German and French railways. Basel airport is well-served by the budget airlines, too. I’ve got a list forming in my head: Germany, Austria, France, Italy and the Netherlands are all in there.

IV. Apply to the American grad schools. At this point in time it feels like a mammoth task, and one I’m not sure of the outcome. However, it’s what I want to do, so I’m doing it. Hence why I’ve been a bit slow to get my travelling on…

V. Professional development.  I want to work out my future career plans and form a clearer idea of what I want to do with myself. Pharmaceutical industry? Almost certainly. Team leader, Management or Board of Directors? No idea. America, Europe, UK, Far East? No idea. Drug discovery, process development, engineering, biopharma? No idea. It isn’t urgent that I sort this out, but it would be nice to narrow down my options, especially since postgrad studies will make me specialise. Best I know what I want to specialise in…